You know what I’ve been thinking a lot about for the last week? What’s been on my mind every few minutes? Especially in those minutes where I calm my mind and try to find peace?
Nope, nothing holy or sacred or inspirational or Lenten, but rather:
A hot, steaming cup of PG Tips black tea with milk and sugar.
Also, bagels and cream cheese.
Also, peanut butter.
Also, beans in my chili.
Also, rice with my curry.
Here’s the deal.
I am giving a no-dairy, no-legume, no-sugar, no-grain eating regimen a try in order to figure out why I just don’t feel well physically, emotionally, the whole gamut. It’s a regimen known as the Whole30, but a rose by any other name… Or something like that. I’m always messing up colloquial sayings. It makes me endearing.
You know what doesn’t make me endearing?
How much I feel like griping about all the food I’m not allowed to eat.
Because guess what?
I get to eat a lot of really amazing food on this regimen, and, well, let’s face it, I just don’t even care most of the time.
Like for breakfast the other day, I had a fried egg sauteed with broccoli and spinach and herbs d’provence. Do you know how good it was? Do you know that this is the exact sort of thing I would order in a restaurant if I went out to eat for breakfast? Seriously. The exact thing. Except probably with cheese. But what I wanted to eat was a bagel and cream cheese, and so I felt grumpy about it.
Do I love vegetables and fruits? Do I love seeds and nuts and eggs? Yes, I do! I love these things. But this last week, I’ve felt a bit resentful of them.
And so I’m realizing something about myself, once again.
I am absolutely a selfish human being. It’s been about as blatant as it can be. I want what I want when I want it, and I don’t want to be told I shouldn’t get it.
Even when it is for my own good.
I have done my fair share of fasting in my lifetime, and I think fasting is an important discipline that Christians these days don’t like to adopt because it makes us uncomfortable, but as silly as it sounds, this has been worse for me than fasting.
The truth is, I’m a week into this thing, and I’m actually feeling pretty good. I’ve been a little less grumpy the last few days about my decision-making, and I haven’t been craving my hot tea near as much. (For the record, hot tea is allowed on the Whole30, but I want mine with milk and sugar something fierce, so I had to rule it out for myself.)
So there’s been some progress.
But, girls, I am so selfish, and it’s become so striking to me, and I am feeling pretty convicted about it.
After getting married and then, eight years later, having babies, all of which taught me in painful ways just how selfish I am, I can only think of one other experience that has caused these emotions to well up in me like this.
Offering radical hospitality.
I’m serious. This selfishness down in my gut I’m dealing with this week is similar to the feelings I’ve had when we have had others living with us.
I have long said that offering radical hospitality has been the best way to learn how selfish and prideful I am. (And if you’ve ever heard someone tell me that I had a “gift” for hospitality, you’ve heard this schpiel before. I have a low tolerance for this whole “gift” business when it comes to hospitality. Hospitality is hard work. I have a “conviction” of hospitality, but I don’t think it’s any easier for me than for anyone else.)
Because when people who are not your family are all up in your stuff, in your business, eating your food, and not putting your utensils back where you want them to be, and leaving only one scoop of peanut butter in the jar…
And now I’m back to peanut butter again.
These seemingly unrelated things–marriage, parenting, the Whole30, and radical hospitality–have really dug into the core of who I am as a profoundly selfish person. They are ways we intentionally limit ourselves, where we say for the sake of the end game, whether that be for our relationships or health or the kingdom of God, we will be vulnerable and needy and frustrated and have to deal with it even though we will want to give up sometimes.
But there can be no wimping out.
You don’t change your mind about your beloved spouse because he leaves the back door open in all kinds of crazy weather.
You don’t give the baby back to the hospital because she keeps interrupting you while you’re trying to type up a blog post.
You don’t kick people out when you’ve invited them in.
And you don’t quit this eating routine for the sake of peanut butter.
Instead, instead you make homemade almond butter with a little olive oil and sea salt to smear on your banana.
Because, I mean, come on, a selfish girl’s still gotta eat.